A million dreams are keeping me awake

We loved September!  Things are finally cooling off and soon it will be October!

Hinckley is still his charming self.  He is craving independence and exerting it as much as he can.  For example, he wants to "wat" (walk) as much as possible and I find myself letting him, more and more.  He is far more predictable now and he really does enjoy holding Atticus's hand (not mine, usually).  I'm just grateful he's not wandering as much. 

Another example is his inclination to do the opposite of what we're asking him to do.  We say, "Don't touch!" and he says, "Touch!" with a mischievous grin and tries to touch whatever it is right away.  Bah!  So far he's been safe but my goodness, he's asking for trouble.

I am having a lot of sweet moments with Hinckley now that Atticus is in preschool.  A memorable one came a couple weeks ago when he asked to sit with me at the piano (I love this- he asks me to play all the time and will sit with me and sing along with the songs he knows).  I played the Baptism Song ("I like to look for rainbows...") and he was spellbound.  He kept saying, "Adain" and so I went with it, playing it probably ten times in a row.  I can't describe the feelings I had during this but it definitely felt like a sacred moment.  I felt so blessed to have a little spirit who felt the beauty and (hopefully) the wonderful message of this song.  He's been asking for that song pretty regularly since then and sings it with me now.

He's riding his balance bike more and more (just walking with it for now) but this is improvement.  For a while he didn't want to try it.  

Atticus started preschool this month!  I totally cried the first day I dropped him off.  I did not expect that, seeing as he's done two years of Joy School.  But he is LOVING his school and Miss Andrea is wonderful for him.  

Hinckley, however, did NOT love having Atticus at preschool.  The first day he was very grouchy the entire time and made it very clear that he did not want to be distracted or play with me.  We needed to go and get Atticus.  The second day he cried when we dropped Atticus off because he realized what was happening.  Things weren't going well.

Thankfully, he is starting to get the idea that we'll see Atticus again and he looks forward to our activities.  He knows that as soon as we drop him off he'll get to hear his favorite song and then we'll probably go to a store, run some errands and end with a nature walk or trip to the park.

He still checks with me to see if it's time to get Atticus every half hour or so, heading toward the garage and asking, "Addiss?"  It's so sweet.  I love how much he loves and misses his brother.

Atticus also started soccer this month.  As I mentioned last month, I am coaching the team and I kept my expectations low before the season began, especially for Atticus.  He has totally surprised me by performing wonderfully, both at practices and games.  He has worked very hard to get faster (we're talking laps and laps at home) and it has worked.  He's one of the fastest kids out there. And he is getting better and better at understanding the game.  Very few of the kids his age can play both offense and defense and stay involved but Atticus can and does. 

His third game, he didn't just score his first goal- he got a hat trick!  And this last Saturday he scored another awesome goal.  

The only problem with this improvement is that he is developing an ego problem.  We're hoping to nip it in the bud but we'll see how it goes.  Still, we are LOVING this season!

Hinckley Speaks:

"Aye!" ("Hi!" as he waves to any passing car or stranger at the store)

"Addiss, awaaaay!" ("Atticus, hooray!"- when we go to pick him up from school)

"Goo' monin' goo' monin' to you!" (he loves singing our good morning song, even at night)

"No, no, no." (He has finally started saying, "No.")

"I took a baf!" (Atticus and I swear we heard this first sentence but it hasn't been repeated)

Atticusisms:

"Buy these, I beg you to buy them!"

"Is Hinckley awake?  I want to play with him."

"I just want to be alone with Hinckley from now on." (whenever he's mad at us)

"Mommy what are those?" (points at wine bottles another customer is buying near us at the store) "I bet they're drugs!"  (Yes, loud enough to be heard)

"I'm the best/fastest." (We are struggling with ego in soccer and elsewhere!)

You don't have to keep reading.  I wanted to end with two more (longish) thoughts about Atticus.  

As I have mentioned in the past, getting Atticus to sleep as an infant and early toddler was incredibly difficult.  I still have only met a handful of moms who have described children who had a harder time sleeping.  

Thankfully, he has become a great sleeper.  He does sometimes struggle to fall asleep (although he's so active lately that he's usually exhausted by bedtime!) but once he does, he gets a good twelve hours almost every night.  Though he still has the occasional night terror (when he gets too hot, stays up too late or is getting sick), he is also great about putting himself back to sleep.  

I don't think I've mentioned this in the blog before but when I first saw The Greatest Showman, the first song brought me to tears.  It so perfectly described what I believe was going on (and still does) in that amazing, creative head of his, "Every night I lie in bed, the brightest colors fill my head; a million dreams are keeping me awake..."  The song completely transformed the way I looked at Atticus's insomnia (for lack of a better word).  While before I was often bitter and angry, seeing it as a trial/burden that I didn't deserve, understand or appreciate, I honestly can say that I now see it as merely a symptom of its beautiful source: a great, ever active, never resting, even colorful mind.  

Now that his creativity has been unlocked (as he expresses himself through art) these bright colors have become visible to me, in a way.  I can't list it all but here are just a few of the many, many "projects" that Atticus has started in just September: Wolf keychain, Wolf watch, wolf walkie talkie, coyote mask, ballerina mask, leopard mask, fox mask, ski lift (up the stairs), hearts for Daddy, a leopard tail for Mommy, a "laterpult" (catapult), spell book for a Hocus Pocus loving friend...  It is a little hard to keep up with (and to contain!) 

Almost every time he tells me he wants to start a project and I start to feel annoyed and overwhelmed, I start to hum that song.  It always brings a smile to my face as it restores my perspective.

The second thought has to do with Come Follow Me.  We are still studying the New Testament and a week ago we were studying 2 Corinthians 12 where Paul talks about having a thorn in his side.  When we told Atticus that Paul asked 3 times to have it removed and it wasn't, he shocked us by getting very upset, saying that God was "selfish" and should have removed the thorn. 

I was hasty and tried to give an example, talking about my sweet mother-in-law who has had a really difficult year with her health, "But Nana hasn't had her trial removed, even though we've been praying," I said, preparing to explain that our Heavenly Father knows best, our trials help us to grow and he knows what we need and when and we have to trust Him.  Before I could get there he expressed with all the passion of his four-year-old heart, "Well, He should have healed Nana!  It's just selfish not to take it away!"

I couldn't help but cry. How many times had I had similar thoughts or wanted to?   And I'm sure each of us has felt that pain, confusion and even a feeling of abandonment when prayers seem to go unheard or unanswered.  This is, of course, not only true in our immediate family with Marti's trial but for all of us as part of the mortal experience. 

My little one was feeling and hurting so deeply and I wanted to take it away.  But, just like Paul's thorn in his side, I didn't.  I knew that I shouldn't.  It's a fact of life that we can't escape and I would be hurting- even crippling  him- so much more if I were to backpedal and say that yes, sure, our prayers get answered and healing comes right away, every time.  It's just not true.  So we had a painful but very meaningful lesson that day.

The story is ongoing but, for now, we've had some wonderful conversations with him in the last week about this concept.  I had no idea he was prepared to grasp it but he is slowly coming to understand, as am I.

When I dislocated my shoulder (it was today, actually) and Atticus prayed for me he started getting upset again, "I'm praying and it's not working!  Is He listening?!"  It was another great teaching moment- in that moment of pain and later, after my shoulder was back in place (thank heavens!) 

The takeaways?

1) God does love us and He is listening.  We just have to trust Him!  Sometimes that looks like ACTION and doing our part.  Other times it looks like standing still and being patient. 
2) Teaching this deep thinker is an honor (but I have to admit that I often doubt that I've got what it takes!)